Denise and I, the directors of The Sangha House, have been working in the Holistic Health Sector for more than 12 years. There is one common factor that always comes through, loud and clear. If you look at the statistics associated with our customers, you will see that, across the board, three quarters of our customers are women. Why is this?
Well, I believe it is coupled with the complexity of how men feel about their place in society here in the western world and also, rather worryingly, with the level of stress, anxiety and mental health issues with men at the moment.
Interestingly, the majority of the disciplines we teach originate from the east. From India, China and other Asian countries and these disciplines back in their homelands would be predominantly practised by men. So why is it that here, they are seen as female disciplines? Before I dig into this one, I’d just like to take a look at some of the studies and statistics around male mental health and some of the challenges us chaps face here in the west and certainly in the UK.
The Samaritans keep very close track of their statistics in terms of calls to their help lines and also (unfortunately) to levels of suicide in society. A recent report drew some conclusions which are extremely relevant to this article.
The report says –
“Masculinity – the way men are brought up to behave and the roles, attributes and behaviours that society expects of them – contributes to mental health and even suicide in men. Men compare themselves against a masculine ‘gold standard’ which prizes power, control and invincibility. When men believe they are not meeting this standard, they feel a sense of shame and defeat. Having a job and being able to provide for your family is central to ‘being a man’, particularly for working class or middle class men. Masculinity is associated with control, but when men are depressed or in crisis, they can feel out of control. This can propel some men towards suicidal behaviour as a way of regaining control. Men are more likely to use drugs or alcohol in response to distress. “
I believe that Masculinity, and what it means to be a man, has been implanted, grown and developed in the minds of men since their childhood. Men are fed with stereotypes of masculine heroes, who are self-sufficient, strong and capable. Often the role of offering emotional support is not one associated with being manly, and is therefore dismissed.
Television and advertising are a large part of the issue, due to the picture they paint of what a ‘real man’ looks like. Men are bombarded by images and perceptions of masculinity, muscles and bravado, and slowly over time, they are made to believe that being a man entails specific criteria. If they do not tick certain boxes, they are not ‘man enough’.
It is crucial men are able to have conversations with other men about their mental health and feelings, because it is only when the idea of ‘what it means to be a man’ begins to change, that men will be able to open up, or reveal about themselves, those feelings or difficulties they are experiencing. A key aspect of this of course is fear. Men fear that their own perceived failure to live up to the classic stereotype will be seen by other men. This gives a feeling of inadequacy, leading to shame.
But this is a major cultural habit that is embodied within us. We won’t break it alone. We need the help and support of our families, partners and our friends around us. Individually, we need to become mindful to our behaviours and the behaviours of other towards us and see there these stereotypes are being fed to us and where our cultural is influencing us. The starting point is in the noticing.
We can think of this as a script that we always follow. Both male and female follow the script in their own way and it all contributes.
A key part of this script is associated with what it is to feel and to acknowledge vulnerability. For the stereotypical male in our society, to be vulnerable is a big no-no. So I would ask you to explore something for a moment. Consider the things that us humans typically love. They are things that have fragility, impermanence and complexity in them. We love a rose, a sunset, view. We find it difficult to love a concrete block! Us humans, every single one of us is exceptionally complex, fragile and impermanent. Essentially we are completely vulnerable to the things that life throws at us. I believe that is when we don’t acknowledge this vulnerability, the rot starts. This is the seat of where mental health issues develop from. When we don’t seek our help from friends, family and colleagues, we start to suffer and this builds.
The disciplines we are examining here are things like yoga, tai chi and meditation. The popular press in the west encourages (perhaps unwittingly) a perception that these are predominantly female pursuits. Certainly a great deal of the light publications around tai chi carry images that show mainly females and also elderly people. The art does not have this in its origins and actually in the east it is practised extensively by young men. But because of the nature of Yoga, tai chi and meditation, they open our hearts and ask us to explore feelings and emotions within us. Without is, these arts would just examine simple body shape. The magic in the art sits in the mental and the emotional. This is why they are so effective at combating stress, anxiety and other modern-day issues that so many of us struggle with.
So, what do we do about this? Ladies, this is where you come in. Look after the chaps, because whether we admit it or not, we need your help. You are in generally already expert at emotional connection. You open up to your friends and family and you acknowledge vulnerability. We need to learn this lesson from you. Take care not to enforce the stereotype that is out there, watch out for the initial signs of stress, anxiety and depression and persuade us to talk with you.
Men and mindfulness
I’d like to thank Andy for his excellent blog on what surely is a complex subject – the difficulties many men have in getting involved in activities which are sometimes seen as the preserve of women. In particular, as far as Sangha House is concerned, the predominantly Eastern disciplines of Yoga, Meditation, Tai Chi, Mindfulness and others.
It is at this point that I’m feeling particularly smug, since I am a bloke who in recent months has taken up several of these disciplines at Sangha (including Pilates). I have certainly felt the benefit of them physically, as well as mentally and spiritually, and would want to encourage men reading this to simply have a go.
It is clear however, that Andy has hit upon a problem which is not confined to these disciples; i.e. the absence of men in many spheres of social engagement. Having come from a Church background the situation is very similar with females quite substantially outnumbering men in many congregations. Indeed it was our observation that occasionally some people (mostly men) were literally fearful to enter into a church building. I can’t imagine what they suspected might have happened to them. Andy also hints at the very real problem of fear in his blog.
I found myself asking a few questions which may be helpful to explore. Please note, these are only questions, definitely not answers!
1 Is there anything to celebrate in this?
For generations and for various reasons, women have felt restricted and put down, and told they there are many things they cannot do. I heard a quote recently of the father of the 19th century composer Felix Mendelssohn to Felix’s sister Fanny who was also a talented musician. He said to her ‘Felix may be able to forge a career in music, but for you, I’m afraid, music can only ever be an ornament.’ Women have had to fight hard to gain access to any kind of equality in academia, the business world, the political arena, the church, sport etc. Will men find difficulty in accepting the meteoric rise in interest in women’s football for instance? Gaining equal pay as men for similar jobs is still an issue as noted in the ongoing debate about pay scales in the BBC. Is this a karmic, payback moment for men who maybe for a while, might have to struggle to come to terms with the fact that women are just as capable and competent?
2 Is there a shift in consciousness going on?
Are there a number of changing attitudes to old ‘certainties?’ Ancient texts are being carefully reviewed today, with their assumption that society should be patriarchal. In spiritual terminology, there seems to be a growing awareness of something called the ‘sacred feminine’? I simply ask here if this is true and if so what will this mean for both men and women? Has there ever been a ‘sacred masculine’? In what ways have both men and women suffered in patriarchal societies?
3 Is the approach to mindfulness the same for all, and is it sometimes harder for men than for women?
Teachers are learning today to use a wide variety of approaches to communicate the same curriculum. There is a recognition that young people learn in a variety of ways. It is generally noted that boys / men seem to do better educationally with exams rather than coursework. When it comes to the disciplines of mindfulness, are there other ways of promoting / teaching these in a way that will inspire western males?
4 Would it help men to focus on, and clarify the aims of mindfulness?
I don’t know if I’m right but it seems to me that mindfulness is not the end of something, but the means to an end; or perhaps several ends. I have concluded rightly or wrongly that the aims of mindfulness are i) a better life, ii) clearer (blue sky) thinking, iii) greater control over body and mind and iv) (for me the most important) to slow down and discover the sacredness of all life.
By sacred I don’t mean anything religious – I mean that we come with gratitude to everything, and receive it as a gift, not a right. This includes things like water, the earth, trees, all the natural world, people around us, and importantly, (and particularly with meditation in mind) – our next breath.
Blessings
Warwick